


Don't Look Back

by TechyTechno



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Comfort, F/F, Goodbyes, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecurity, Leaving Home, Like just kiss already, Moving On, Mutual Pining, Other, Parentification, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, holy shit these two are so oblivious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28822356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechyTechno/pseuds/TechyTechno
Summary: Palespirit has struggled with where she belonged in the clans ever since her and her kittypet parents arrived to Thunderclan. After the events of Into the Garden, shes realized that back in the Twoleg place is where she does belong and decides to leave atlast after a hard life, but not without one final goodbye from a friend of hers.
Kudos: 2





	Don't Look Back

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written 7/26/20.

So this was it.

Right beyond Thunderclan's forest, and past Shadowclan's marshy lands, was the twoleg territory. To any other clan cat, this would be a moment of giving up, of weakness, of leaving an amazing life behind for a worse one. But to Palespirit, it was anything but that.

To Palespirit, this was a moment of pure release. Release from everything bad that had built up in her life while she had remained here. To constantly being discriminated against, to training with the Dark forest, dealing with the death of her father at a young age, that stupid war she had helped initiate with her other dark forest peers, to her mother falling into a depression and her constantly having to take care of her, the way she acted like how she didn't care for anyone because she was scared of getting too close- but mostly, trying to figure out where she belonged.

Letting go of the clans, and all the terrible memories she associated with the clans, would have a massive weight lifted off her shoulders, she thought. The constant state of misery and confusion would finally be gone, and hopefully, she would be happier in the place she left when she was young, where she had no control over if she could stay or not. The place where she always wanted to be her whole life, where she wouldn't have to worry about a thing and she would get all the love and affection she never got as a child from whatever twoleg took her in. It all seemed like paradise to her. So why was it so hard to go through with it? She was going back to her real home, and was a few pawsteps away from being out of the clan's territories, where she would start to head back towards the Twoleg place, so why was she starting to feel this anxiety and hesitance over it just now?

Maybe it was her mother. What would she do without her? She had always been so sad and never wanted to leave her nest, so she came to the clans with her kit to be a queen and take care of kits- but even then, she didn't even wanna do that. As soon as she was able to, she retired to the Elders' den, where Palespirit still took care of her, even as an adult. She hoped her mother would be okay, even if she did put Palespirit through so much, she couldn't help but worry about her. But leaving her at long last would probably be a massive weight lifted off her shoulders aswell. So maybe not completely the reason she didn't wanna go just yet.

Or maybe it was her clan. How would the clan be when she was gone? Would it change for the better or the worse? Maybe she didn't wanna stick around to see. How would her clanmates react? Good? Bad? Would anyone even care or notice she was gone? Hopefully not. She didn't want to place a burden on any of them, even if they mistreated her so much throughout her entire time she stayed there. Hopefully, nobody in her clan would care, and if they did, they wouldn't care for too long. She would hate to be the reason they were heartbroken for a long while. But she wouldn't be around to know, so maybe not that either.

She was just being irrational for no reason, she thought. There was no reason to be so scared of this. She could do this. There was nothing to loose, and a whole lot to win, to her, atleast. _Just take the final steps forward, and you'll be out of the territory. Everybody is at the gathering, they won't notice. There is no reason to not leave. Just-_

"Palespirit!"

Well, now thinking about it, maybe there was one reason why she was hesitating to leave.

Hearing the familiar voice, Palespirit turned her head to see the massive black and white cat known as Kinkslip, a fellow Dark Forest peer who she had met when she first agreed to train with the Dark Forest. She immediately seemed to hit it off with Kinkslip, who she just felt like understood her on such a personal level. The situation they were in was quite similar to one another's, and they often found comfort in eachother when times were tough. She considered Kinkslip her best friend, and she even began to grow a particular attraction to the pretty she-cat, even if she wasn't quite sure if Kinkslip felt the same.

If she were being honest, she really only put up with everything for so long was because of her. If Kinkslip could have put up with everything, then she could too. She admired her so much. She was so much greater than she could ever know. Kinkslip never gave herself enough credit. Of course, she had her flaws, but she really was trying to change after Hollowsight was defeated. She could tell she was trying to fix all her relationships with her clanmates and be more honest and open with them after she was honest about what she did, and Hollypath pleaded for Maplestar to give her a chance to change. She really was trying, and she thought she was doing a great job at it. God, she-

"Palespirit? Are you okay? You're looking a little dazed." Kinkslip asked worriedly.

Right, she was just going on a ramble about how much she liked her to herself while she was calling out to her. _God, i'm such a mouse brain._ Palespirit scolded herself sternly, feeling bad that she possibly made the she-cat worried for her more.

"Oh- yeah. Sorry. I was.. thinking- about something."

The large warrior leapt off the small rock she was standing on, and landed seemingly elegantly on the ground. Palespirit turned her body around to face her.

"I noticed you snuck off from the gathering and couldn't help but follow you. You came really far out here, if I didn't know better I would've thought you were leaving the clans or something," Kinkslip innocently chuckled.

Palespirit looked away uncomfortably. "Um.."

The other she-cat seemed to notice Palespirit's discomfort, and dropped the small smile she had on her face.

"Hey, whats up with you? Has your mom been-?"

"No, no," Palespirit cut her off as politely as she could. "-no. She didn't do anything, neither did any of my clanmates. Its just.." The milky colored warrior looked off.

Kinkslip seemed to follow her gaze. "What is it? You can tell me anything. Please be honest with me. I want to help you anyway I can."

Palespirit could swear she felt her heart stop a little. She shouldn't feel this guilty. She just.. needed to be honest with her. The more she delayed her response, the more concerned Kinkslip would become. _Just.. be honest with her._

"I'm leaving," Palespirit quickly blurted out, looking away from Kinkslip to avoid seeing the hurt on her face.

"What?" Kinkslip asked in a hushed like tone, which only made Palespirit's heart ache more for her friend.

"I'm leaving." Palespirit repeated in a more slower and calmer voice. "I can't stay here anymore. I just can't."

"Sure you can," Kinkslip nudged her a little. "-if your clanmates are the problem, then- I can talk to them, or somebody can talk to them- or you can come to Windclan with me. You don't have to leave if you don't want to. Your clanmates-"

Palespirit deeply sighed. "Its.. not that. Its just- I don't belong here. I've always thought of where I belonged in the territory, and only considered choices here, but not where I first came from. My real home is the Twoleg place. I was never meant to constantly hunt and fight for clanmates who don't even like or acknowledge I exist. And my mother- I was never meant to serve her. If anything, she wanted the clan to, but they didn't- so I had to take responsibility myself- and I just.. I don't wanna stay in a place that makes me miserable just to prove to everyone something- i'm not even sure of what i'm supposed to prove to them. I just.."

Palespirit looked back at Kinkslip, who had an expression she couldn't quite read. Unsure of what the she-cat was feeling, she apologized. "-i'm sorry. I should've said goodbye to you atleast before I decided to come all the way out here. That was selfish of me."

"No no, i'm just.." Kinkslip looked down a little. "I understand. You shouldn't be obligated to stay somewhere that doesn't make you happy, and you shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone. I just want you to do it because you want to, not because your clanmates want you too."

Palespirit looked back down a little, before feeling Kinkslip's paws slide under her chin and lift her head back up to look at her.

"So, is this what you want, or your clanmates want?"

Palespirit felt her skin heat up a little, and ended up stammering her reply. "Th-his is what I w-want- i've never wanted anything m-more."

Kinkslip cracked a small, sad smile and pulled her paw back down to the ground. "Okay."

There was a brief moment of an awkward silence before Kinkslip spoke up again.

"I'm gonna miss you alot."

Palespirit took a tiny step forward, and hesitantly nuzzled her close friend's fur, sitting down.

"I'm gonna miss you too."

Palespirit felt Kinkslip's paw rest on her back as she was pulled closer into the embrace. Just two girls hugging it out, nothing gay here.

Palespirit felt Kinkslip's tongue slowly lap behind her ear, and felt her stomach flutter a little.

"The Twoleg place is a long way from here." Kinkslip whispered in her ear.

"Yeah.. its gonna take a while to get there." Palespirit scooted a little closer and started to lick Kinkslip's shoulder.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I think I can make it there on my own. You have a clan to get back to, after all."

"Are you sure?" Kinkslip lifted her head back up and looked down at her.

"Positive."

And back in silence, just two warriors hugging one last time before they leave. Palespirit wished Kinkslip would come with her, and she was sure Kinkslip felt the same, but she knew there was no changing the warrior's mind. They were going to be where they belonged, and there was no changing that. She just wished this could last forever.

However, Palespirit finally pushed away from the long hug and looked at Kinkslip with a light smile.

"I really should be going now, and you should too. I'm sure the gathering is just about over."

Kinkslip slowly nodded. "Yeah.. I suppose I should." Kinkslip looked away again.

Palespirit gave her a quick lick on the cheek and finally started to turn back around.

"I suppose this is goodbye, I guess."

"Yeah.."

"I'll never forget you, Kinkslip."

"I won't forget you either."

Kinkslip looked back at her. "If you ever change your mind and Thunderclan doesn't accept you back, there will always be an open spot in Windclan for you."

Palespirit couldn't help but smile a little. "Thank you, Kinkslip. For everything. I promise i'll see you again some day."

She finally looked back towards the forest ahead of her, and began to walk, before she felt a paw step down on her tail. Palespirit squeaked and looked behind her.

Kinkslip looked down at her paw and slowly brought it back to herself.

"Promise me you'll be okay."

Palespirit froze for a brief moment, before smiling at the she-cat again.

"I promise you I will."

Kinkslip sighed, and nodded slowly.

"Thank you."

Kinkslip finally turned around and made her way back towards the rock, leaping back onto the top of it and looked back over at Palespirit one last time.

The two she-cats stared at eachother for one last time, taking in their final moment together for a long time before finally turning away.

"Don't forget to tell Egg I said goodbye too!" Palespirit called.

"I won't, I promise!"

Palespirit watched as Kinkslip finally turned away and leapt off the rock, off back towards the gathering, and let out a quick breath.

Thinking about why she couldn't bring herself to leave, she finally realized it likely wasn't all because of her mother or her clanmates reactions. No. It was because she hadn't said one final goodbye to Kinkslip. Now that she did, she felt more ready, knowing that Kinkslip would likely always be on her side no matter how far apart they were. Palespirit could still feel Kinkslip's soft licks and warmth, which both gave her great comfort as she was finally moving on and doing something she had always wanted to do with her life.

It didn't matter how far apart they were, or how much they drifted apart. Kinkslip would always be by Palespirit's side, and she would always find a way to make it back into Palespirit's mind. It was like they were always bound to be with eachother, and Palespirit didn't have a problem with it at all. It always made her feel like she was less alone, even on this journey that she was about to take on her own.

Finally, at long last, Palespirit began walking, picking up the pace, and was officially out of the clans' territory. She couldn't stop her legs from moving. She was ready to go back to her old life as a kittypet, as whatever name her twoleg decided to give her. Palespirit couldn't help but smile. She hadn't been this excited and happy for a long time.

Maybe, this is where she would always belong.


End file.
